Good Meeting

Today my hubby and I had to meet with my girlie's teacher.  She failed a science test on motion, energy and mechanical engineering and we needed to know if it was her or the test.  This isn't the first time our daughter has struggled specifically with knowing the information, but then being unable to express her knowledge when asked in the written word.  We needed to know if the teacher had concerns about this grade and her ability to interpret the test, and if we needed to consider some sort of special education intervention.  (I absolutely hated typing that.)

There were many flaws in the test and many questions that were difficult for my husband & I (and even my father who is an engineer) because of the way they were worded or the confusing way in which the multiple choices were presented.  Many questions were worded very poorly and I could completely see why my daughter chose certain answers over others.  For instance, when a ball is kicked, what kind of motion does the ball have?  Round and round; up and down and round and round, round and round and in a straight line?  If you have ever actually kicked a ball, any of these answers could be correct.  Sometimes the ball goes up and down and round and round.  Sometimes the ball goes in a straight line but most often it does not.  The point of the question was to exhibit that the student understood motion in the scientific 'terms' used in the text.  The correct answer, by the way was round and round and in a straight line.  According to her text, motion is straight line, round and round, back and forth, up and down.  No where does the text factor in that motion could be a curved line.  My daughter plays soccer.  Her soccer coach LOVES my daughter's kicking strength and so she was responsible for almost all of the team's goal kicks this year.  None of those balls went in a straight line.  All of them went round and round and FORWARD.  So, my daughter's interpretation of the best answer was round and round.  She got the question wrong, but her logic was commendable.  When I asked her why she didn't choose round and round and in a straight line, she said because when you kick a ball you put spin on it and it does not go in a straight line.  She actually took the lesson a step further, and because she did she got the question wrong.

There were certainly question on the test that she should have gotten right.  There were items on the test that her father and I did not stress in our studying with her because they were not on the study guide, which in our estimation fell short of being complete.  And her Dad and I have to take some parental responsibility in that we did not study with her until the night before the test.  A perfect storm of sorts that led to her failure.  So, did we need to worry or was it this culmination of events?

We had a great meeting.  We didn't go in with the attitude of "This was an awful test and it was unfair and you need to fix our daughter's grade!"  We went in with the attitude of "We feel that the test was poorly written, but if everyone else in the class did okay then maybe it is our child.  What is your impression?  Should we be worried?"  I felt that her teacher heard us, and agreed with us about our daughter's logic on some of the answers.  I felt that she understood that the test was poorly written and admitted that it was a very difficult test for a 3rd grader.  Even so, there were children in the class who were successful.  Unfortunately, because this was a STEM unit (science, technology, engineering & math) the test was directly from the County and the teachers were not allowed to rewrite the questions in a manner that was more friendly to 8 year olds.  This will be the only science unit where the test will come from the County (whew! [wipes brow]).

The end result is that the teacher is pleased with the growth that our daughter has shown this year, but she could not really say if our daughter needs intervention because our daughter regroups out to other 3rd grade teachers for reading/writing and math.  She will talk with the other teachers and put our child in for an SST meeting (which means all of the special educators in the school, the team of teachers our child has and the school psychologist will get together and discuss her issues).  Her reasoning was that this step couldn't hurt and that the idea behind the meeting is to get ideas and input from others about what may help our daughter be more successful.  She also told us that she would recommend our girlie for a reading comprehension intervention group that will be meeting outside of school hours, because every little bit of 'critical thinking' help will be beneficial.

I am not sure what I was expecting, maybe a defensive teacher, maybe a teacher who wanted to brush it all away and diminish the need for intervention.  Quite often in our area, teachers and administrators are quick to try to discourage parents from going down that road.  I was pleasantly surprised that this meeting was productive and positive.  I am very pleased that our daughter will be considered for the additional help that the reading group will provide, without being labeled "special education."  I know that it shouldn't matter, but it does.  I know I should get past that, but I am not ready yet.  In our district, that label will stay in her file until the day she graduates from high school.  With that label, she will no longer be in classes with her friends and her school experience, all the way through 12th grade will be completely different.  I am hopeful that with additional intervention in school and at home, we can catch her up to her classmates.  I know my smart little girl has it in her.  We just need to figure out how to get it out of her.

Here's to a bright future, working with teachers who care!

Rambling

So, I promised myself that I would keep up with blogging and it has been a few days since my last post.  It has been a bit of a busy week.  Halloween is tomorrow, so the kids have school parties this week.  Plus there is soccer, parent teacher conferences, and laundry.  There is always laundry.  This will be a bit of a rambling post as I am not feeling inspired by any one event at the moment.

I broke my toe last Sunday, a week and a half ago.  It was a pretty bad break: deformed toe, intense pain, horrible bruising.  I rested it as much as possible for the beginning of the week, but by Thursday I got a shoe on and life continued.  This week, I have been on it a lot every day and wearing a shoe most of the day.  After not having any pain for a couple days, it is bothering me today more.  Maybe I got too confident and was walking too fast on it the last couple days.

The youngest's party was Monday.  I went in to be an extra parent helper.  There were lots of us there, so it was an easy party.  They did a couple relay games, guessed the number of candy corn, gummie bears and gumballs in jars and had a snack.  There are a couple kids in the class who have food allergies, so I felt very good about being able to help out with that since I am an "Allergy Mom."  The kids were adorable, and I could tell my little guy was glad that I was there. 

My little girlie's party is this afternoon.  I sent in toilet paper for a game that they are playing - making mummies.  She has been dying to know what the TP was needed for, but I didn't give it away.  :)  Should be fun to see them tear into that activity!  I spent years as the room mom, and then last year I couldn't attend as many parties because of my parent's circumstances, so I am glad to step back and be able to just help out and enjoy the parties this year.  

I spent a while thinking about my mom yesterday.  I don't know why she was on my mind more yesterday.  Sometimes it is just that way.  Maybe because my Aunt and I talked a bit about that last month when I saw her on Monday.  Maybe because I watched a couple episodes of The Long Island Medium while folding laundry in the afternoon.  I have come to love that show, and while I am a bit skeptical about it all, I think that Theresa is a hoot and provides an incredible gift to the people she meets.  I would love to meet her one day and see if she could feel my mom.  I wonder, if my mom did "come through", what she would communicate.  Some things transpired between us in her last days that were very difficult, hurtful and sad.  I didn't say things I should have, she said things (in moments of hurt and pain) that she probably shouldn't have.  I carry guilt with me some days and others I am able to let it go because her situation was brought about in large part by choices that she made.  Last night those things were on my mind, and I wonder if she would let me know that she was glad that my brothers and I were able to care for her the way we did in the end given our horrible circumstances with my Dad in ICU after his heart attack, or if she would still be mad that she was unable to die at home.  It still bothers me that she died alone - at least without any of her family with her; the hospice facility said that someone was with her but I don't know who.  I hate that.  I should have been there.  I know I couldn't be, I was taking my daughter to the doctor for strep throat at the time and I couldn't be in two places at once, but it bothers me that it worked out that way and I wonder sometimes what the reasoning was.  I wonder if she knows that I wish so desperately that one of us had been there to hold her hand so she wouldn't die with a stranger watching.  These are the musings that those who are left behind have, I guess.  I think anyone who has experienced the death of someone close to them thinks about these things and wishes there were a way to get the answers they seek.

I warned you this would be rambling....

This is a short school week for the kids.  They are off tomorrow and Friday.  I love short weeks - much less stressful with less homework dinner/rush.  Although this week, we still have had soccer and we have parent/teacher conferences and Halloween which will give a different kind of rush in the evenings.  Tomorrow we are getting hair cuts and maybe going grocery shopping with my Dad, depending on the time.  Friday, I think we will go shopping for winter coats.  It is getting chilly and we all need them.  Even me...I have had the same casual coat for years and it has finally worn out.  We also need to work on getting the house picked up and cleaned on Friday.  We have a soccer tournament all weekend (hopefully, if my oldest wins his games) and a Ravens game on Sunday.  Maybe, if we get all of our chores finished, we could even invite someone over to hang out on Saturday afternoon...my kids always get invited to play dates and we rarely do the inviting.

Off to get to my girlie's party, and take care of some laundry...there is always laundry. 

Regrets

So it has been five years since my last post.  Wow.

I came across this old blog because someone linked from it to the blog where I journal the books I have read (Passionate Book Lover).  I read through these old posts and was taken back to a time in my life when my children were young and I felt overwhelmed.  I think I wrote the blog, because as a stay at home mom with only my children to talk to, I needed an outlet to express my adult self.  I needed someone to listen to my stories, even if that someone ended up only being me rereading what I had written.

Five years later, the words contained here mean more to me than I can express.  So much of that time, so many of those little, daily, seemingly insignificant things have been forgotten.  So much has happened since then.  My children are 5 years older, my mother passed away from her breast cancer, my life has stayed the same and changed at the same time.  And all of that is gone, not having been journaled the way the years before were.  Regrets.  This is one of them.

After rereading all of those posts earlier today, I have decided to pick this blog back up.  I want to remember these days when my kids are older.  I am so saddened that I stopped writing here when my youngest was just a baby.  He is in 1st grade now!  All of that time is gone.  And now that my kids are older, I wish so desperately that I had some of that time back.

I think I stopped the journaling here because I joined Facebook.  I think that updating a status on Facebook and interacting with other people there satisfied that need to interact and tell my story, my opinions, my thoughts on what is important to me, so I dropped writing here.  I regret it so much now, realizing how much of what is recorded here was gone from my memory.

So, to catch up...My children are now 14 and in 9th grade; 11 and in 6th grade; 8 and in 3rd grade; and that baby boy is now 6 and in 1st grade.  I cannot believe that I am the mother of a high school student.  I can't really be that old can I?  He attended his Freshman Homecoming just a couple weeks ago.  Raising a teenage boy has been a challenge.  Somewhere around the age of 11 we lost that sweet child and he turned into one that challenges every word we say.  I am sure this is leading to a great independence and self assurance that we will be proud of one day.  For now, it is very frustrating and difficult.  This parenting thing is a learning process even this late in the game.  I suppose it always will be, and in the end that is a very good thing.  Even if during any particular moment in time it doesn't feel like it.  In spite of that, he still make me proud and sometimes I am surprised at just how grown up and mature he is becoming.  We attended his first high school choral concert last night and the chorus blew me away with a Les Miserables melody.  What a great night!  I was so proud and flooded with memories of my own high school days when we performed Les Mis.

My middle schooler is still very sweet, but beginning that same phase with challenging us.  The two of them are the best of friends.  That is something that I cherish.  They fight, sure, but more often they get into trouble because instead of brushing their teeth they are chatting.  I love that and I really hope that transfers into adulthood.  I am very proud of the student that my 6th grader has become.  Up until this year, he still needed quite a bit of guidance with studying and schoolwork.  But this year he has really come into his own and is proving to be an excellent student.  I think that this is because the expectations have been lower for him than for the oldest, and I am not sure why that is.  Another regret.  I wonder if that is why we now have some issues with the oldest with his school work...do we not show the same pride over his achievements simply because they are expected?

My little girlie girl is still such a treasure to me.  She is in 3rd grade and struggles a bit scholastically, even though she has the most common sense out of all of my kids.  But her academic struggles don't phase her.  She doesn't worry about anything and is so self assured, I think because she is just unaware of the fact that there are people out there who judge.  She just doesn't care.  She doesn't care what anyone thinks, will play with absolutely anyone, and loves everybody.  I absolutely love that about her, but it also worries me.  I fear that one day she will get her heart broken.  She has a friend at school that is a "mean girl" and up until now I have tried not to influence her friendship.  Recently, though I had to have a talk with her about this girl's actions when she wrote rude words in my girlie's planner.  I had to tell her that this person is a mean girl and not a good friend.  That she wrote bullying words and that she probably did it to try to get my girlie in trouble.  I spent 15 minutes erasing those words out of that planner (thank God it was in pencil).  I know my daughter loves her still, and I hope she doesn't hold it against me for being honest with her.  She seemed to take it in stride...again with the not caring what anyone thinks attitude.  I am so proud of how strong my girl is and that she doesn't let this mean girl influence her into being a mean girl, too.  Every night at bed time I ask her two questions:  Who is the prettiest girl in the whole wide world? and, Who is my dream come true?  Her response to both is "I am," and I respond with "You are."  I hope one day she remembers this and knows that each night when I say those words I mean them with every fiber of my being.

Finally, my little baby boy that is not so little anymore.  He is the most sweet, kindest, most caring little love in the world.  He is so social and has so many friends.  Much different than his older siblings who were more reserved and quiet.  He is able to see into my soul and at certain times is able to give me exactly what I need when no one else can.  He is so tender and loving.  I want that to last forever.  He is very much like his older brother (my 11 year old).  We often say that they are like twins 5 years removed.  He is so smart and is excelling in school.  Top group for everything, and while I have realized now that that does not matter it still makes me very proud.  Every night at bed time we have a routine.  I ask him who his girl is and he pretends not to know or names someone else.  I then tickle him like crazy until he says his girl is me.  I know now, after reading through the old posts here, how much I should treasure that.

So that is my children...

I really regret not keeping a journal of my life, my feelings and the events that transpired between November of 2011 and sometime late in 2012.  I feel that I could write a book about those months.  My mother's health started really going downhill around her 70th birthday in November of 2011.  I began helping with household chores and doing grocery shopping.  Then my dad fell ill with pneumonia in January 2012.  He was hospitalized and my mom couldn't be left alone so my husband, my brothers, their wives, my aunt and I shared the duties of caring for her and my dad.  He came home from the hospital and she went in - blood transfusions because of her advanced cancer, a stint put in her leg because of a blood clot.  She came home from the hospital and he suffered a heart attack in February.  It was touch and go for a while with him.  He spent quite a long time in the ICU at Sinai and at the same time my mother was told by her doctor's that there was nothing more they could do and she should consider hospice care.  There were days during all of that that my brothers and I thought we were going to lose them both.  It was so so so hard.

My older brother took charge of Dad's care, while I took charge of Mom's and my younger brother filled in on both sides where necessary.  We worked SO well as a team.  I wish I had all of that recorded in some way.  While it was the hardest time to date of my life, it was also enriching and wonderful.  The bond between the six of us (my brothers and our spouses) became so strong.  It was a force to be reckoned with.  The decisions we had to make I would not wish on anyone, but we handled it together every step of the way.  We were only able to get my mom and dad together three times in that last month before she died in March of 2012, because he was in the hospital and then rehab and she was inpatient at Gilchrist.  But we made those times count.  We worked together through her arrangements when my Dad just couldn't, laughing and loving as we went.  I hope my Mom was proud of that.

So many feelings that go along with her passing.  Not being with her at the very end because my girlie had strep throat is still so hard for me to contemplate.  Making a choice to have dinner with my girlfriends the night before she passed instead of going to see her, because I just needed a break from it all.  Not saying what I should have said to her on those last few visits before she slipped away and became almost unresponsive.  Regrets.

My faith, my husband, my children, my brothers & their wives, my girlfriends...they were my support and my rock through all of that.  I learned how strong I was, just how much I could withstand, how even though I felt like I was about to break I was able to keep forging ahead.   I learned how strong my family was and we created a bond then that is incredible.  Things that could truly drive a wedge and destroy family only brought us closer together.  And look at how far we have all come since then...

My dad has recovered from a major heart attack and lives independently.  I accompany him to doctor's appointments, grocery shop with him once a week to help him get the groceries into his condo, and I take out his trash and handle a few other occasional household chores with my brothers' and my hubby's help (like light bulb changes and washing the litter box).  Otherwise he does everything on his own.  I am very proud of how he has come through losing his wife.  And I treasure that being with him through his grief has shed light on who they were together and how deep his feelings ran for her.

So, my goal is to keep this up.  Someday I want to look back and remember all of this, the good and the bad.  I want to have a record of some of the little, daily, inconsequential things that will mean everything when time has stolen them from my mind.  I want a record of my feelings during some of the more consequential times, too.  Even if I end up being the only reader.  It is really just for me anyway.

Future Profession?

So I am watching Ellen today (love her show), and she had on the author of the acclaimed Twilight series, Stephanie Meyer. (The Twilight series is fantastic, see my other blog about that.) Anyway, the author talked about how Twilight and the three other books in the series came to be. She had a dream, put that dream to paper and three months later, Twilight was finished. I have done that several times...have a dream and want to see how it would play out so I sit down and start writing. I just don't have the follow through. I write the dream and expand upon it, but can't get it going past the first few chapters. I have written up to 75 pages and then not gone any further. I probably have 8 to 10 started and just hanging, waiting for me to pick back up on the thread. So I wonder, if I really put myself into it, could I become what I want to be when my kids grow up? My dream would be to become an author.

Stephanie Meyer is a stay at home mom, with three kids ages 5, 2 and 1 at the time she wrote Twilight. She has had no formal writing training, no agent, no existing literary connections. She finished the book, looked at it and said that could really be a novel and Googled her way to getting it published. I think she said she sent out 15 or 16 letters, got 9 immediate rejections, 4 or 5 "send me the first three chapters" that turned into rejections, and ONE that said "okay let's talk." Four years, four more novels (three in the original series and one stand alone), and millions of books sold...

Not that anything I have written would come close to her series. It is critically acclaimed and the first book, Twilight, was made into a movie that is being released in November. She has sold millions of copies of her books and they have been translated into 38 languages. The stuff I have come up with is more of the same thing that you already have read, just with a slightly different person, place or thing. But I wonder if I could really make a living off of it, if I threw myself into it and got over my fear of failure and my fear of what my friends and family would think of what I had written.

Her story just goes to show you that if you persevere, anything is possible. So it makes me wonder...could I make a living doing that, too?

Diet Update

The first week of my new weight loss initiative (better than the dreaded word "diet"?) was pretty successful. I lost four pounds! Since then, I have made some bad choices...I knew I would, but I have made some good ones, too. So, I feel okay about it. I haven't lost any more weight, but I haven't gained any either. And some of my bad choices were pretty bad (McDonalds for lunch one day after shopping with my kids who don't have allergies and a friend)!

It has been difficult to find healthy choices for the evenings that I have running around to do. There were four or five nights out of the last seven where I could not eat dinner with my family. As a result, I have been eating later in the evenings. I know that is a weight loss initiative no-no. Eating after a certain time is no good, but what choice did I have when I was running out the door at dinner time? Eat at McDonalds? Not an option a second time in a week (one of the good choices I made this week - believe me I really had to talk myself out of that one). So I might grab a baggie of baby carrots to tide me over, but then when I come home at 9:00 I need to find something to eat. Not easy. I am going to have to find some lower carb options for eating that late at night. Baby carrots get boring after a while, especially when I really want the pretzels that are calling my name from the cabinet!

Diet?

Back from vacation...it was wonderful, if not relaxing. How can a vacation truly be relaxing when you have kids to take care of and you don't have the comforts or necessities of home? When you have a child with life threatening food allergies, there is no eating out. At least not for this family. I know there are those that do it, but my husband and I have not yet learned how. So we still have to make/cook every meal and snack and drink. And somehow do it in someone else's kitchen. And there is still nap and bedtime, but the kids are in strange rooms. And there is the get up and go every day because we were off to see something or do something and we had to get it in before the baby had a meltdown. Then there were the meltdowns because the baby had had his limit. It was an exhausting seven days. But the kids had a great time, therefore, Mom & Dad had a great time. All of the work getting there, being there and getting back was well worth it, and we are thinking about next year already!! I know, I am insane!

BUT now that vacation is over, and I am at my all time highest weight (other than while pregnant)...it is time to diet. God, how I hate that word. I have never dieted in my life. I am not the type to weigh myself every day or even once a week. I might weigh myself once every two to three months. I have changed my eating habits to try to be healthier; I have increased my activity level to try to maintain a current weight; but I have never dieted. I am no good at limiting myself when it comes to food. If I want it, I make a choice to eat it or not. The times I have said to myself, "Okay, now you need to watch what you eat." Or, "you need to start making healthier choices." I can't stick to it because I am no good at denying myself when it comes to food. I have always adhered to a philosophy that if I deny myself something that I really want, then I will eventually go crazy and gorge on that item, and twenty others because I have been denied!!

But I have to do it now. I am getting uncomfortable in this body and my fat clothes (come on, everyone has them) barely fit. It is time to make a change. I already switched to Diet drinks and using Splenda in my coffee. It didn't stop the weight gain. Now I need to make some serious changes to my eating habits. I need to, gulp, ulk, UGH, DIET!!

No more popcorn at night while I read. No more chips with lunch or sweets after lunch. No more snacking on Cheez-Its or animal crackers an hour before dinner. And it is time to add in some physical activity. Because no diet (ugh) works without exercise.

Today was the first day. I was successful in the morning and for lunch. (I ate grapes instead of a salty snack with my lunch - yeah me!!) But I slipped up this afternoon...I ate some leftover tortilla chips from a take out dinner last night. The greasy ones from Chili's. And dinner wasn't great either, but I didn't have much choice in that matter. It was Favorite Dinner Night, which is a FAMILY thing. Stress on FAMILY. We all eat the same thing, together as a FAMILY. That is the point. It was my six year old's pick and he always picks breakfast for dinner. So I had bacon and pancakes. Not the best diet food. But, I watched my portions, did not eat any dessert, and no snacking tonight. So that part of my day was successful. Baby steps!!

What I should do is pretend that I am nursing a baby with allergies...limiting my diet that way always forced me to shed the pounds and it was easy to do because I was doing it for the baby. Unfortunately, not eating any dairy, nuts or soy is not the healthiest thing to do for a woman my age. But boy does it work to drop the pounds!! Because you are left with very little that you can eat!

Oh well, I will take my baby steps to dieting, and hopefully I will be left with a better diet overall. A healthier diet for the long term, and I won't have to deny myself those little treats, I will just have to come up with a new definition for moderation!

Vacation

In about three weeks, we will go on vacation. We have not taken a true vacation in five years. Either I was pregnant, the kids were too little, or we couldn't spend the money. There was always an excuse. So this year we are going to the beach.

While I am excited about going on vacation, I am also dreading it. I am excited about where we are staying...a luxury townhouse (gorgeous kitchen, master suite with great views, a balcony and a dream bathroom, an elevator). There will be lots to do for the kids...pirate adventure boat ride, water park, mini golf, beach, boardwalk, amusement park.

But I am dreading the work involved in getting there. I can not wrap my mind around how exactly I am going to pack for my four children. Plus myself and husband, the sheets (how many sets? we still have kids that have leaky diapers at night) and towels, toys, etc. How will it all fit in the car? With the food allergies and special dietary needs they have, I am not sure what food we should take and what I can buy there. Will I be able to find bread that is safe or should we just buy it here and take it? What about the desserts my kids like? When we get there, the first thing I will have to do, after unpacking the car, will be to take a trip to the grocery store for food for the week. There is no eating out for us because of the allergies (that is why I am excited about the gorgeous kitchen...we will be using it for every meal). I will have to remember the condiments and spices that I need to prepare whatever food we will be eating. I think that I will have to make my shopping list before we even go and think about what we will be eating for every meal so that I don't forget the little things (like mayo, ketchup, pickles, etc).

I know it will be worth it. The kids are so excited and they deserve this. But with three weeks to go, it is time to start planning and thinking about how I will accomplish it all. I have been getting advice from a dear friend with two kids that goes on vacation every year. She has it down to a science.

Her latest tip: when on vacation she (and her hubby because she is on vacation after all) does two loads of laundry a night. One beach towels and the other all the clothes they wore that day. She doesn't sort the clothes, she just washes it all together. That way she only has to take one towel per person. And they always have clean clothes in case there is some sort of accident. With both her and hubby working on the folding, it only takes a few minutes. At the end of the week, she packs all of the clean clothes back into the suitcase and then she doesn't have the mountain of laundry to do when she gets home. Pretty smart. With six of us, I am sure this tip will save me lots of headaches and time. And I won't have to pack 21 pairs of underwear for my daughter, who is recently potty trained and on some days only uses one pair but others uses three!

I recently met a couple with six kids (ages ranging from 9 to 1) and pregnant with number seven. She mentioned several different vacation destinations during our conversation. I don't know how she does it...but if I see her again before we go, I will be asking her for tips as well. Maybe in another five years I will have done it enough times myself to be able to offer my own tips.

Three weeks and counting....